Remembering and missing my friend Deimos

One year ago today I lost my friend Deimos. I’m reminded almost daily of his goofy, confident, noisy Presence.

I miss a herd of hounds rushing down the stairs to meet me at the door, Old Greybeard in the lead. I miss that he was so excited for walks or going anywhere in the car, that he wouldn’t stand still to hook up the lead. I miss having a buddy to say with strategic snout placement and that weird low greyhound woof, “Hey, you’ve worked enough, get off the computer!” I miss a not-so-secret 75 lbs of sneaking up onto the bed on chilly nights. Most of all I miss the individual soul that left such a gaping hole behind.

The story of Deimos:

• Old Greybeard
• An Empty Bowl
• Waiting. Loving. Remembering.

February’s Lists and Notes

Read more about my Light Box month.

from Light Boxes, by Shane Jones

Short List Found in February’s Back Pocket

1. I’ve done everything I can.
2. I need to know you won’t leave.
3. I wrote a story to show love, and it turned to war. How awful.
4. I twisted myself around stars and poked the moon where the moon couldn’t reach.
5. I’m the kind of person who kidnaps children and takes flight.

List Found in February’s Cottage Detailing Possible Cures for February

1. Valerian root and vitamin C tablets taken in the dark.
2. Yoga and meditation.
3. The melting of snow in children’s palms.
4. Light boxes?
5. Hot bath taken with mint extract.
6. Touching the moon in places the moon doesn’t know exist.
7. Consumption of St. John’s wort.
8. Feeding the garden inside.
9. Giving Bianca back.
10. Twisting your fears into desires.
11. Mood diary.
12. Hydrating the body.
13. Paying attention to the girl who smells of honey and smoke.

List of Artists Who Created Fantasy Worlds to Try and Cure Bouts of Sadness

1. Italo Calvino
2. Garbriel García Márquez
3. Jim Henson and Jorge Luis Borges—Labyrinths
4. The creator of MySpace
5. Richard Brautigan
6. J.K. Rowling
7. The inventor of the children’s toy Lite-Brite
8. Ann Sexton
9. David Foster Wallace
10. Gauguin and the Caribbean
11. Charles Schulz
12. Liam Rector

Note Found in February’s Pocket by the Girl Who Smells of Honey and Smoke

I wanted to write you a story about magic. I wanted rabbits appearing from hats. I wanted balloons lifting you into the sky. It turned out to be nothing but sadness, war, heartbreak. You never saw it, but there’s a garden inside me.

Seeking contentment in a crappy week

A Year of Mindfulness: 52 Weeks of Focus  – Week 7

This week’s focus for our mindfulness practice is Contentment. Also known as Santosha in Sanskrit, it is one of the Niyamas (moral observances) in Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras. The goal is to try to find contentment in all things – good, bad and indifferent. Not necessarily an easy practice, but definitely a rewarding one.

I’m so glad this intensely disappointing week is over. I worked really hard to make something good happen, only to have it promised to me yesterday, then snatched away a few hours later.

I feel very defeated, even as I know that this feeling won’t last forever.

It’s hard to feel grateful for what we already have, when obsessed with trying to improve our situations, our careers, our comfort levels.

It’s hard to find the smallest bit of contentment, when worry and distraction are in control.

This weekend I will try to work on:
Finding contentment in this disheartening thing that has happened to me.

I’m so confused it almost feels calm, or, I want to be a good person, but I’m not

Read more about my Light Box month.

from Light Boxes, by Shane Jones

List Written by February and Carried in
February’s Corduroy Coast Pocket

1. I am not a bad person. I have enjoyed June, July and August like everyone else.
2. I fed you dandelions and picked the stems from your teeth with my tongue.
3. You smell of honey and smoke. That’s what I call you. Girl who smells of honey and smoke. But you’re more than that. You’re a field of dandelions.
4. I have this nightmare where I’m standing in the field of dandelions holding a scythe. The horizon is children marching. Each child holds one of your teeth.
5. I’m so confused it almost feels calm.
6. I am guilty of kidnapping children. I am guilty of Bianca and causing great pain to Thaddeus and Selah and the town.
7. I want to be a good person, but I’m not.

A war, a war, a war against February

Read more about my Light Box month.

from Light Boxes, by Shane Jones

Thaddeus was buying apples when

he overheard the group of former balloonists known as the Solution.

How much can we put up with. How many days will this dreadful season extend itself. Our town is a place of no flight and all snow because of February.

There were five of them, tall and thin, wearing long brown coats and black top hats. They had thin plastic masks over their faces. Each mask was painted as a different-colored bird.

You, said one of the members, who grabbed Thaddeus’s shoulder and turned him around.

Thaddeus faced the Solution, holding his basket of apples tight against his chest.

We’re starting a rebellion, a war, said a yellow bird mask, against February and what it stands for.

A war, repeated Thaddeus.

Yes, a war, a war, a war, the Solution repeated.

An orange bird mask continued, We’re sick of February, who we believe is responsible not only for a season of endless gray and snow but the end of flight.

A blue bird mask lurched forward and placed a square of parchment in Thaddeus’s coat pocket. He knocked one of Thaddeus’s apples out of the basket and into a pile of snow.

Remember us, said the Solution.

And they disbanded, walking, dreaming of flying, in separate directions.